why middle age women need to Stop People Pleasing and Set Strong Boundaries
Have you ever found yourself in the trap of people-pleasing, agreeing to things against your better judgment? Yep, that's people-pleasing and it's a sneaky little thing. And today I am super excited to bring in Kelly Neupert, a wizard in the realms of Psychotherapy and Personal Development Coaching. We're about to deep dive into the whole people-pleasing maze and the game-changer that is boundary setting.
In our chat, we're going to unravel how setting boundaries is key to finding peace and a big part of our personal development journey. We'll also shed light on the extra hoops women often have to jump through in this process.
So, if you're all about self-improvement and craving some emotional fulfillment, stick around. This convo is packed with insights on breaking free from the yes-cycle and stepping into a space where you can truly thrive.
Common core factors you observe in your clients related to people-pleasing and perfectionism
Certain patterns often emerge in people who tend to please others at their own expense, as Kelly points out.
She notes that their self-esteem heavily relies on how they think others perceive them, making them overly concerned about others' opinions.
They often believe that being caring and loving means sacrificing their own needs.
Kelly observes that they go to great lengths to avoid conflicts or disagreements, usually by not expressing their own feelings, needs, or opinions.
Finally, she identifies a disconnect between how they are perceived and how they truly feel, leading to internal confusion and exhaustion.
In everyday situations, this might manifest as constant self-doubt, over-apologizing for things beyond their control, and a strong resistance to saying 'no,' even when they want to. Kelly highlights that this constant juggling act of trying to please others can lead to burnout and a feeling of losing control, especially when it means constantly ignoring their own needs and desires. Essentially, it's a cycle of prioritizing others' needs over their own, driven by a deep fear of losing acceptance or love.
The struggle with people-pleasing and perfectionism
Often, the root of many relationship issues and feelings of constant exhaustion or burnout can be traced back to tendencies toward people-pleasing and a skewed sense of perfectionism. Kelly explains that this involves projecting onto ourselves what we think others expect us to be, leading to a loss of personal identity. She observes that many women find themselves unsure about their likes, interests, or hobbies, questioning what genuinely appeals to them.
Kelly emphasizes the key is to discover what resonates with you personally, what calls out to you as genuinely interesting or exciting. She advocates for giving yourself permission to explore new things or to decline requests that don't align with your interests, even if self-doubt or insecurity arises. This self-permission is crucial in allowing ourselves to occupy our space in the world confidently, moving beyond the confines of people-pleasing and perfectionism.
Why do women struggle so much with people-pleasing and perfectionism?
Discussing the challenges of people-pleasing and perfectionism, especially among women, Kelly notes the crucial role of societal norms. In a patriarchal society, girls are often raised with an emphasis on being gentle, kind, and compassionate, highlighting the importance of relationships. As they grow, their identity becomes intertwined with their ability to maintain relationships, but society often devalues these very qualities. This paradox sets up a challenging scenario where adhering to traditional feminine values can lead to perceptions of being overly dependent or demanding. Kelly points out that this struggle with people-pleasing isn't unique to a few; it's a widespread issue affecting almost every woman to some degree.
She emphasizes the importance of recognizing that people-pleasing often doesn't lead to the desired outcomes, such as genuine connection and self-fulfillment. Instead, it can foster disconnection and resentment, causing women to lose their sense of self in relationships.
Breaking free from the patriarchal norms and finding support in other women who've navigated these challenges can be empowering. Sharing personal stories and experiences can be powerful in understanding that people-pleasing can stem from deeper issues, including familial dynamics nd societal pressures. Overcoming this behavior involves a deep understanding of its roots and striving for a balanced, authentic self.
Learning to please as a survival strategy
Hearing Kelly describe her childhood experience is quite poignant, especially from the perspective of a mother. Kelly shares that from a young age, she was compelled to assume an enormous emotional responsibility for her mother's well-being, adopting people-pleasing behaviors as a survival strategy. Growing up in a chaotic environment, she felt compelled to rationalize her mother's behavior, often internalizing blame and believing she was the cause of the problems.
This belief was further reinforced by her mother's consistent avoidance of accountability, insisting that deviations from her ideal of a perfect mother were Kelly's fault. To cope, Kelly found herself excelling in roles that would hopefully earn her praise, albeit inconsistently. She became the straight-A student, the emotionally mature child helping around the house, and the one who tried to lighten the mood with humor. These roles extended beyond just pleasing her mother; they became a way for the entire family to navigate the complexities of living with addiction or mental illness.
The Importance of self-care and the need to set healthy boundaries for oneself
Society often misunderstands self-care, advocating moderation in everything. She used to zone out watching TV shows or struggle with food and alcohol, convincing herself these were forms of self-compassion. However, she's realized they were ways to compensate for unmet needs in various aspects of her life, which isn't truly compassionate to herself. Now, a big part of her life involves spending time with her dog, which has become an integral part of who she is. She's also redefining her approach to exercise, focusing on moving her body for health and well-being, not just to fit a certain mold.
Spending quality time with friends where she can be her authentic self is another crucial aspect of this journey. It's become an enjoyable exploration, like diving into hobbies like interior design or undertaking art projects during Covid. The real joy comes from discovering activities and interests that genuinely resonate with her, beyond the confines of people-pleasing.
How to start implementing better boundaries
Kelly emphasizes that the key to overcoming anxiety and setting boundaries lies in taking action despite the fear. It's not about having a magic cure for anxiety; it's about making space for it and pushing forward. With each experience, boundary-setting becomes easier. Acknowledging that it will be anxiety-provoking but choosing to prioritize the long term over the short term is crucial.
"I have to" to "I'm choosing to"
She also advises shifting one's mindset from "I have to" to "I'm choosing to." By reframing decisions as choices, individuals regain a sense of control over their commitments. This approach helps them recognize how many things they undertake voluntarily and allows them to align their actions with their values. Kelly's perspective aligns with the idea that learning to disappoint others is essential to avoid perpetual burnout and exhaustion, emphasizing the importance of not constantly disappointing oneself.
About Kelly:
Kelly Neupert is an ex-corporate professional turned licensed therapist and personal development coach. She’s the owner of KJN Coaching, a high-end, psycho-developmental coaching practice. As a people-pleasing expert, she helps millennial and gen-z women gain the courage to ditch others’ expectations and live life true to themselves.
Connect with Kelly:
Website: kjncoaching.com
IG: @kjncoaching
Janna Fuchs
Burnout and I are old friends, so I get that you are probably exhausted from being everything to everyone! In fact, I'm a recovering over-functioner myself, AND I've developed some seriously USEFUL strategies to catch the burnout cycle before it begins! Most importantly - I have learned to TRUST my voice and my "why" for redirecting my energy, harnessing my joy, and banishing my burnout. Now I'm ready to teach you how to do the same!🤗
Connect with me: